


Is this what the end feels like?

by nadagio



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Avengers: Infinity War, Bucky in Wakanda, Gen, Podfic Available, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Post-Infinity War, Pre-Infinity War, Temporary Character Death, stucky feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 21:30:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14458146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nadagio/pseuds/nadagio
Summary: "Superheroes need a break too now and then. So come visit.”“Okay. Yeah, I will.”“Good.”They watch a group of ducks land in the water and start paddling across the lake. For a few minutes Bucky allows them this moment. This quiet moment where Steve is safe and Bucky is sane and there’s nothing to pull them apart.





	Is this what the end feels like?

**Author's Note:**

> This includes spoilers for Avengers: Infinity War.
> 
> Podfic version can be [downloaded here from Drive.](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kLaib9wykj5qFWWQfVkFEnqLz4OoGnI-/view?usp=sharing) It is 9.7mb and 9:44 minutes. Please forgive me for my terrible pronunciation of "isiXhosa," I tried! ~.~

A day after getting out of cryo, the princess and doctors test him to confirm that the triggers are gone. That same day, Bucky is offered a new arm and he turns them down. He may no longer be a bomb waiting to explode at the right combination of words, but he doesn’t want another weapon. Doesn’t want to _be_ a weapon.

* * *

Two days later Shuri brings him out to the borderlands of Wakanda, where people live quietly and he will finally be able to experience, as Shuri calls it, “peace.” Bucky knows how to say “peace” in seventeen languages (eighteen now that he’s learning isiXhosa) but in all of them it sounds foreign. Unfamiliar.

* * *

The first five days he spends learning how to live again. He did the same in Bucharest but this time it’s much easier. His memories are more or less in order and many of his fears have been appeased.

With the village’s sparse population and full understanding and acceptance from its inhabitants, Bucky feels _safe._ He sleeps. He wanders without needing to be vigilant. When the children take to teasing and chatting with him, calling him “white wolf,” he _smiles_ and it’s genuine.

* * *

On his sixth day living in the village, Bucky sits in the grass at the edge of the lake and just… breathes. Eyes closed, he takes in the warm sunlight and cool breeze on his skin and the sounds of nature around him. Sometime in the afternoon he hears someone approaching – someone wearing heavy boots, someone much louder in the grass than the children of the village.

Bucky smiles and says, “Steve.”

He turns his head and opens his eyes. And there stands Steve Rogers, looking scruffy and uncertain in his torn stealth suit. Bucky gestures for him to “come sit." Steve closes the distance between them.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve says, settling into the dirt beside him. “You’re looking... good.”

“You can say it,” Bucky says, and leans sideways to bump shoulders. “I look like a one-armed Jesus.”

Steve coughs, clearly surprised. He clutches at his chest and releases a helpless bark of laughter.

“That -” he gasps, “Is not at all what I was going to say!”

“You were thinking it,” Bucky says, plucking a stand of grass to wind through his fingers.

“Well, _now_ I am.”

They sit in silence for a moment and Bucky is glad to see some of Steve’s wariness dissipate.

“But really, you look good,” Steve says quietly. “Calmer, happier. I’m glad.”

“Me too, pal. It’s nice here.” Bucky looks sideways to study the tension in Steve’s jaw, the furrows in his features. “You’re looking less good, though.”

Steve shrugs and says, “Bit of an incident in Kolkata, that’s why it took so long to get here.”

Of course. Bucky thinks back to days of back-alley brawls in Brooklyn. Steve being late or entirely absent wasn’t uncommon, and more often than not Bucky would go looking and find him somewhere getting into heaps of trouble.

It was awful and Bucky always hated it. Was always scared someday he’d find Steve’s broken corpse lying in a garbage pile or floating in the harbor. But somehow through the lens of nostalgia and with the knowledge that Steve made it out okay, Bucky can look back and find it funny now – how much has stayed the same.

Bucky sighs and says without much hope, “You ever think of _not_ throwing yourself into shit?”

“Not really,” Steve admits. “Do you think… after a while, you’d wanna come with me? Watch my six?”

Bucky thinks about it, for just a minute. And feels nauseated. Afraid. He ignored that feeling back in London when he said he’d follow Steve into the jaws of death. He can’t ignore it this time.

“No. You don’t need me anymore,” Bucky says, face downturned. He digs his fingers into the dirt to ground him. “And I can’t keep going like that. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Steve reaches over to cover Bucky’s hand with his own.

“Hey, that’s fine,” Steve assures him, leaning into his shoulder. “I just miss you, y’ know? I’d stay if I could, but I… I don’t know how to stop, maybe. There’s too much out there, and I need to help.”

“You always carried the weight of the world, even when your shoulders were small.” Bucky turns his hand to tangle their fingers, both of their palms now brown with soil. “But superheroes need a break too now and then. So come visit.”

“Okay. Yeah, I will.”

“Good.”

They watch a group of ducks land in the water and start paddling across the lake. For a few minutes Bucky allows them this moment. This quiet moment where Steve is safe and Bucky is sane and there’s nothing to pull them apart.

Then Bucky stands and pulls Steve up with him. “Did you talk to anyone between here and Kolkata or did you just run past ‘em like a dumb bull? C’mon and lemme introduce you to everyone.”

“I waved when I ran by,” Steve says, smirking. Bucky scoffs.

“Oh, you _waved._ The height of good manners. And what’s that thing on your face, huh? You wanna look like a mountain man or just tryin' to hide all the ugly?”

"You're one to talk!"

The walk back to the village is occupied with light-hearted teasing and shoving, cries of “Jerk!” and “I don’t need two arms to take you down, punk.”

The residents of the village are welcoming and the kids all love Steve, of course. There’s a bubbling warmth in Bucky’s chest for the rest of the day that he recognizes as joy.

* * *

Bucky tells Shuri to go ahead and build him that arm, but he doesn’t want to use it. Not unless the fight really needs him.

* * *

Eventually peace becomes dull when there’s nothing to occupy him, so Bucky asks around the village and helps where he can. Mostly it involves manual labor and that’s just fine. He enjoys that he can use his body for something good, something that isn’t violence.

* * *

Steve visits occasionally as promised. He arrives with a tight smile, all high-strung and grim tension. By the time he leaves he’s relaxed, laughing readily and full of easy affection. It’s good to see, but Bucky wishes that he could do more. Wishes that, someday, Steve wouldn’t feel the need to leave. Wishes that…

But there’s always another fight. And happy as Bucky is in Wakanda, he knows that someday he’ll be needed again as a weapon. So he stays in shape, keeps in practice, and travels sometimes to spar with Dora Milaje. When someday arrives, when Steve really needs him, he’ll need to be ready.

* * *

He’s moving hay for the goats when that someday comes. Shuri finds him, shows him the arm, and he knows. Bucky says goodbye to everyone in the village and follows Shuri back to the capitol where he is armed, outfitted, and debriefed. There’s a world-destroying alien collecting some all-powerful stones to murder half the universe and he’s coming to Earth. Jesus Christ.

Bucky is there to see Steve and his team when they land, hovering some distance away until King T’Challa calls attention to him. Steve gives him that same tight smile, hugs him, and asks him how he’s doing.

And Bucky is… Bucky is surprisingly okay. The nausea and fear he expected are absent. Instead he feels determined. A little nervous and resigned, but prepared. He’s here to do what he can to watch Steve’s back, to protect the nation he’s come to love and the people who welcomed him. To save Earth and half the universe, apparently. What the hell. How's he doing?

“Not bad, for the end of the world,” Bucky says, and smiles.

* * *

Bucky fights, and he fights, because that’s all he can do. He fights.

* * *

He’s fighting and then he’s tossed aside. He stands back up again because he’s not dead yet, but Thanos is gone. Why is he gone, where did he go?

Bucky walks toward Steve but his legs are slow to respond. He feels… strange.

“Steve?” Bucky says and his own voice seems far away.

Steve turns to look at him while Bucky is looking at his hand, crumbling to dust. Is it real? Is that really happening? It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t…

Bucky is falling. He closes his eyes.

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

He opens his eyes but he doesn’t understand. Bucky’s senses haven’t quite caught up with him being conscious. He’s disoriented, lying down, and somewhere there is light and sound but he doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t understand.

Is he coming out of cryo? But it doesn’t hurt, there’s no pain. He just feels… heavy.

There is something on top of him, and as his eyes finally focus Bucky sees that it is Steve. Steve is bent over, head buried in Bucky’s stomach and his shoulders are shaking. Is he laughing? Sobbing?

“Steve?” Bucky says, or tries to say, but he hears nothing. Steve must have heard it, because he lifts his head suddenly to look at Bucky and he is wide-eyed. Face blotched red and wet with tears.

Bucky’s hand is heavy but it moves when he tells it to, it reaches for Steve’s face and Steve’s smile is so bright.

“Steve,” Bucky says again. This time he hears it, and he hears the joy in Steve’s laughter.

“Hey, Buck.” Steve tilts his head into Bucky’s hand and closes his eyes. Still smiling. Such a beautiful smile. “Glad to have you back.”

And Bucky still doesn’t understand, his brain still fuzzy and slow, but he says,

“Glad to be here, pal.”

**Author's Note:**

> A bandaid for the gaping wound that Infinity War left in my heart, with extra Stucky feels. Hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading!


End file.
